Before my husband and I got married, most of our arguments came down to one simple problem: lack of communication. Maybe one of us had an unmet expectation, or maybe we were both exhausted from school and activities. With limited time together—thanks to classes, Greek life, and everything else that fills a college student’s calendar—clear communication wasn’t always easy.
When we got engaged, I assumed that once we were married and spending more time together, communication would naturally improve. That couldn’t have been farther from the truth.
How Communication Changes in Marriage
Once we were married, the type of communication we needed shifted. Schedules were easier with work, but new challenges appeared. Instead of big scheduling conflicts, we found ourselves frustrated over smaller things: assumptions, unmet expectations, and misinterpretations.
Here’s something worth writing down: Your partner is not a mind reader.
Say it again. Memorize it. Because once you internalize that truth, it will transform the way you communicate.
For example, I often assumed that Wesley would just know I wanted him to help more around the house. If I was cleaning the kitchen, I expected him to notice the laundry or crumbs on the floor and jump in. When he didn’t, I’d get frustrated. In his mind, though, he saw me cleaning and figured I had it covered. Neither of us was wrong, we just weren’t communicating.
It wasn’t until I started saying simple things like, “Hey, I put a load of laundry in earlier, can you throw it in the dryer?” that things began to change. Suddenly, he knew exactly how to help, and I no longer felt like I had to do everything on my own.
Understanding Differences
Another lesson we learned early in marriage was that we both value alone time. At first, this felt personal, like if he came home from work and said, “I’m going to play video games for a bit,” I worried it meant he didn’t want to spend time with me. But once he explained that it was how he unwound after a long day, it made sense. I realized I also needed that kind of space to decompress. Communicating that need actually brought us closer, because we no longer misinterpreted each other’s actions.
Practical Tips for Better Communication
While every couple communicates differently, here are a few things that have helped us (and might help you too):
- Just say it. Don’t assume your partner knows what you’re thinking. Even obvious things often aren’t obvious to the other person.
- Use “I” statements. (We learned this in our married group at church and it has been a life saver to avoid the blame game.) Instead of saying “You never help around the house,” try “I feel overwhelmed when I do all the cleaning by myself. Could you take the laundry?” This shifts the focus from blame to teamwork.
- Schedule time to talk. Life gets busy, but even 10 minutes a day to check in without distractions can make a huge difference.
- Respect differences. What feels important to you might not even register for your spouse, and that’s okay. Talk about it instead of silently stewing.
Why Communication Matters
Every marriage looks different, but one truth holds across all relationships: if you don’t express your needs, your partner can’t meet them. Silence leaves room for misunderstanding, while communication creates clarity and peace.
So whether you’ve been married for decades or just a few months, remember this: good communication is one of the pillars of a strong marriage. It takes practice, patience, and sometimes humility—but the reward is worth it.
– Ansley Ledbetter